A Woman’s Voice
The reason to blog – the ‘about’ page
Sex. Sex sex sex… It’s everywhere, yet nowhere. Alluded to by advertisers, blatant on the internet and thriving behind doors in every neighbourhood, (often shared with the neighbours.) Yet I’m not supposed to think about it, I’m a mother, I’ve used it to procreate now apparently it has to be shelved while I concentrate on bringing up my off-spring. The occasional innuendo might be overheard and then the shifty perpetrator turns their head, looks embarrassed, because I’m a decent well bought up lady/ mother/ wife with small children and these things will shock me.
If only they knew…
Faced with a vanilla existence, thoughts caged in my head for fear of the raised eyebrows or astonished disapproving expressions of a prudish society pretending they don’t think about having sex at least five times a day, I resorted to releasing my improper thoughts and fantasies in writing, it’s a cathartic experience and helps me keep a tight rein on the real me I rarely share with those around me. Yes, I guess you could call me a frustrated house wife; but I’m not frustrated by my lack of sex life… Far from it. I’m frustrated by society’s mock decency, the veil I have to use to hide my true self so I can function without sly glances and pointed fingers, so my children can live a happy normal life without being bullied or ostracised. Would it really be that bad you say? Probably not… But I’m not about to start saying the thoughts that randomly enter my head out loud, expressing my opinions in public and find out. So I do it here, in my little bloggy corner of the internet, quietly, discretely, in the certain knowledge that perhaps sadly, in hiding away I’m giving credence to the assumptions people so freely make.
So be it…
But words alone are not enough are they? I am a hot blooded female, I have a wonderful husband who I love dearly but I needed more… Somehow, I needed the support and justification of a peer group; I needed to know I was not alone…
Through writing my blog I became friendly with a small group of people, they responded to pieces I wrote and slowly our lives interwove, we became to each other an escape, a spark of oxygen in a cloying world and we laughingly called each other The Reprobate Niche. But even when you find your tribe, one thing dear reader is absolutely certain, you don’t always see what is happening inside people, in their relationships, in their minds.
“There is also a nasty pile up on the M4 between Junctions 15 and 16, traffic is also building up on the routes around that area as people try to avoid it.” Jack rolled his eyes at the radio. No shit… He fished in his pocket for his tobacco and papers and rolled another cigarette, he wasn’t supposed to smoke in his company car but then he wasn’t supposed to spend half his life sat in traffic either, but he seemed too. Taking the position that his firm had offered him on the other side of the country had seemed like a good idea at the time, he was used to being away from his family during the week, it was just the long drive to and from that killed him, especially this early on a Monday. He wished he had travelled the previous afternoon and spent the evening with Mark in the pub, but as next Sunday was the day they were all gathering together, he felt he owed his wife and kids the concession of one extra full day, the children appreciated it anyway, his wife had been as distant as ever.
Jack considered himself to be a simple man with few needs, he loved his work with its complex puzzle solving which kept his brain engaged day after day, he liked having a lovely home for his family in his native town, close the extended family and friends. He liked his simply furnished flat in the quiet market town where he stayed during the week, a stone’s throw from the city where he worked, easily accessible with a short car journey; it was tidy and organised and very different from his often archaic life at home. He enjoyed the company he found in the evenings as he moved in and out of Mark’s circle as he pleased. It all flowed very well. Except when it came to sex. It wasn’t that his wife didn’t understand him as the cliché went, she just wasn’t interested, it rarely occurred to her to hug him or that he might want to feel wanted after working hard to earn a crust for his family all week. He had begun to wonder if he was just a meal ticket he felt pushed out so often when he was home. He appreciated her need to be independent, she was, for all intents and purposes a single mother during the week, the house and kids had to operate in a way she could manage, it wasn’t always how he would have done things but he wasn’t there to do it. A little affection wasn’t too much to ask when he got home though was it? His home existence was, he thought, extremely beige, that label with a tinge of sarcasm applied to everyone one in the world with no sex life or sex that had no interesting kinks. His wife was the pure ivory of the sex world with a tinge of ice thrown in for good measure, when he did manage to coerce her into a little intimate activity there were no frills allowed, simply ‘Get on with it Jack…’ always something better to do.
His mind was far from beige, the fantasies in his head were colourful, often complex, there were so many areas of his sexual self he wished to explore. He longed to worship the female body, someone who responded to his touch. He wanted to feel his hand come down precisely on her curvy bottom and hear her moan with desire, to worship the pink tinge on her skin from impact with soft caresses, to slide his fingers between her legs and feel the wetness of her desire, sinking deeper inside her as she lay across his lap and then deliver another much needed blow to her reddening cheeks. He wanted to look in the eyes of a beautiful woman as she took his cock in her mouth and flicked her tongue over his head, he wanted to see how lustful it made her, for her to enjoy it, relish his hardness, feel her hands cup his balls and her finger sink into his ass as he watched. He wanted her to take control, to push his face down on the bed and sink a peg against his prostate, to be taken as he often dreamed of taking her; hard, fast, to a climatic finish. That was just the tip of the iceberg, he’d felt undiscovered, unexplored, it was the only area of his life which he had felt his potential remained untapped and like most men, when he wasn’t hungry, he was thinking about sex. So, when the ‘opportunity’ had presented itself, he’d grasped it firmly in both hands and run with it. After all, you only live once.
Next Sunday, he could relax with his friends and let rein to his mind and know it will not be unwelcome. He would stay at the flat on Friday instead of fighting the traffic home, the idea cheered him up no end, as did meeting with the bunch of reprobates he considered his friends. A chance for them to hang the facades of their lives by the door and actually spend an afternoon comfortable in their skin, in the easy company and humour they always found together.
They say that like minded people will find each other if there is a need for them to do so, Jack certainly thought this was the case. When he found his flat in the small market town an easy commute from his smart city office,he gave himself a pat on the back that it was just across the square from a nice looking pub. The main bar was a little poncier than he was used to but it had a small room to the side of the bar for drinkers to inhabit which he often found he got to himself on weeknights, to his eternal delight he’d also hit it off with the bar owner Mark on the first evening. Heading home at the weekends he was not familiar with the crowd who used the bar Friday – Sunday, usually by the time he got to his flat Sunday nights he was wiped out and just went straight to bed, it had been the unfortunate event of his car breaking down which had caused him to spend a weekend at his flat, in need of entertainment he had sort Mark out on a Saturday night and met Roy and Penny. Penny was the brassy, forward and undeniably smutty owner of a rather swish franchise selling designer bathrooms in the town, she specialised in accessories and had more filthy jokes about loofahs up her sleeve than was really proper, he liked her style, you knew where you were with Penny because she told you. Roy was quite quiet and seemed to internalise a lot of his thoughts, Jack thought they were a strange couple, it odd at first that the two of them seemed to enjoy each other’s company so much, after eavesdropping on their conversation for a while and hearing Penny’s loud outbursts of laughter he realised that it was down to Roy’s razor sharp wit and quick responses. Mark, busy with serving drinks and food to the customers in the restaurant, joined in where he could and soon Jack found himself being drawn in to the conversation too. Slowly over a period of 12 months their group had formed, with the introduction of Penny’s sweet delectable college friend Rachel and their frighteningly glamorous friend Kate complimenting the group, the Reprobate Niche gathering was an afternoon to be looked forward to. It had changed his life and he considered the lives of everyone involved, for the better.
This sitting in traffic, it was frustrating, the limbo of being in between his worlds drove him crazy and there was somewhere he had to be. He fished out his phone and scrolled through his emails, there was a new post notification from his favourite blogger, he smiled, perhaps this traffic want so bad after all.
© Juliette Turrell