Life has its twists and turns doesn’t it?
I had a few days at the end of last week where life just got too much, I was stretched emotionally every which way and something had to give.
A creeping feeling of spiralling out of control is a feeling that unfortunately I know only too well and write about often enough with my ‘mindful’ hash tag attached. Writing for me, is a huge coping mechanism, it’s often my way to think through and ‘write it out’. Sometimes putting the mess in my head into words is the only way I gain perspective to analyse my situations.
The feeling last week was a little different, it was caught up in an emotional overload of being too much to too many, a spread thin feeling. An overwhelming sense of being cornered by other people’s needs, demands and insecurities, the feeling of being emotionally attached to friendships that just were not being returned, of not being understood and I just had to let go of something. I have no fight in me at the moment, I’m soul tired to my very bones and I have no oomph, no feist, no gusto. Even though things may be worth fighting for, I can’t just now. My new mantra has to hold ‘let the waves come to me’ I have no energy to spare.
Some demands I’m unable to put to one side, I have responsibilities to my family: I’m the peacekeeper, the love giver, the brown string that holds the parcel together. So I chose to step back from the internets.
It’s easy to ignore face’ache’, I can also easily ignore Pinterest, twitter and instagram, tumblr too. My conversations with ‘real’ people are not so easy to ignore though but for a change I felt an overwhelming need to escape everything and so I did, stepping very firmly away in move I know I am going to regret but I can justify for my sanity even if it’s temporary.
WordPress of course is ‘writing’ and therefore necessary; funny how we justify things isn’t it.
And now it’s quiet, I have every notification on my phone turned off. Every one. Yes even that one… and I will beat the habit of checking my phone every few minutes this week by picking a time to see what’s ‘happening’ when I feel I’m strong enough to do so. I’m overdue a good read of the wonderful WordPress blogs I follow, very overdue! Sorry… might have to wait a little longer.
One of my very best friends said to me that he’d been throwing himself into mundane tasks at home as a coping mechanism and I intend to employ this, I think it will make me feel more in control if I can set my world in order: as much as one can with a house full of kids and animals anyway! My mind also rambles and thinks while my body is occupied, I feel this is a good direction for the coming week.
Let the spring clean of my house and my brain begin, it’s time to open up the boxes in my head and dust out the cobwebs. I’m actually looking forward to seeing what I find there.